


Let Me Give Your Heart a Break

by rafaelbaseball



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Body Appreciation, Courtroom Drama, Death Threats, Drunkenness, Fever, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Jealousy, Karaoke, Las Vegas, Las Vegas Wedding, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentions of past abuse, Morning After, Nude Photos, Panic Attacks, Prompt Fill, Scars, Sexting, Sickfic, Surgery, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Vacation, Waiting Rooms, proposal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-03 16:01:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 16,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15822249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rafaelbaseball/pseuds/rafaelbaseball
Summary: A collection of prompt fills cross-posted from Tumblr, ranging from angst to h/c to feel good fluff!—Most recently added:-Rafael has a fever. Sonny and Carmen aren’t impressed.-The first time always comes with the first morning after.-Someone ate the entire lasagna from the fridge. Sonny thinks he knows whodunnit.-Sonny loves to send Snapchat photos to make Rafael smile. Rafael tries to find a way to return the favor.-Rafael wants to take their relationship to the next level. Sonny's answer is less than satisfactory.-Rafael's scars run deeper than what can be seen on the surface. Sonny wishes he could take away the pain that comes with them.-Rafael wants to propose. He just needs to get over his nerves first.-Another death threat against Rafael nearly sends Sonny over the edge.-Rafael is jealous. Sonny is oblivious.-Sonny waits for Rafael to get out of surgery. It's harder to be patient than he'd anticipated it would be.





	1. honey, you are the rock upon which i stand

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: “You’re hiding under that blanket because you’re blushing?” and “You left that shirt at my house. It’s mine now.”

“You’re hiding under that blanket because you’re blushing?“ 

An affirmative grunt from beneath the sheets is the only answer Rafael gets but it brings a small smile to his face as he rifles through the button-ups, arranged by color and style, in his closet. His work space at the office may always be a mess but nobody can say he isn’t organized at home.

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, you know,” Rafael says. He glances over his shoulder at the Sonny-shaped lump on the bed, biting back a laugh when he hears a muffled, heavy sigh. “Seriously. The longer you stay under there, the weirder you’re making it.”

That’s enough, apparently, to spur Sonny into action. His head pops up from beneath the sheets, hair sticking up every which way and looking exceptionally sheepish. It’s endearing. Rafael wishes his phone was within reach so he could snap a picture. 

“He emerges!”

Sonny scowls but there’s no real malice behind it and anyway, it’s undermined by the way he flops back onto the mattress. “Just forget I said it, okay? I didn’t mean it.”

“Now you’re being rude. I should threaten no sex for at least twelve hours for that.”

“We’ll both be at work for at least twelve hours.”

“And? I’m trying to punish you, not myself.”

Rafael can hear Sonny sitting back up but keeps his eyes trained on his shirts. He’s already chosen one, a pale pink one to pair with a solid dark purple tie underneath a dark blue jacket and waistcoat. His pink pocket square had already been folded for him last night and left on his nightstand, Sonny had done it while Rafael had been in the shower. Neither of them had said anything about it. Rafael wishes he had because he’s afraid if he turns around to face Sonny now, Sonny will see the disappointment in his eyes. Maybe if he’d said something, Sonny wouldn’t feel the need to say things like “I didn’t mean it.”

“If you’re looking for the pinstriped pink one, don’t bother. You left that shirt at my house. It’s mine now.” 

That earns a snort and finally, Rafael does turn back around, performatively rolling his eyes. “When do you ever wear pink?”

Sonny shrugs a bare shoulder. Rafael desperately wants to forgo getting dressed and press his lips against soft, fair skin, mark it the way Sonny had marked his hip last night. 

“Never too late to start. Besides, it smells like you, it’d be like you were with me all day.”

“Sounds a little codependent, Detective. Or maybe you don’t mean that either.”

It’s Rafael’s turn to blush when Sonny squints at him, studying him. They’ve been dating for a couple months now, after a couple months of pretending they could handle a colleagues-with-benefits situation without succumbing to their mutual feelings prior to that, but sometimes, Rafael still feels his walls going up. It’s frightening to open himself up to someone, even someone like Sonny who’s never been anything but kind and caring and supportive. His past experiences haven’t necessarily been great ones. Memorable, yes, but not great, and they’ve shaped his expectations for any given romantic relationship over the years. That’s exactly why he hasn’t been in one for such a long time. Sometimes he wonders whether maybe Sonny’s made a huge mistake, wanting to be with him. 

“Do you want me to mean it?” Sonny asks, tilting his head, his eyes bright with curiosity. He chews nervously on his lip when Rafael remains silent. “Rafael. Do you want me to mean it?”

Swallowing hard, Rafael ducks his head, wishing he’d thought to grab his shirt already just so he’d have something to do with his hands. Instead, he fidgets under Sonny’s scrutiny, shifting from one foot to another. “I want you to mean it if you mean it.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“It’s an answer,” Rafael says defensively, “just not the one you want to hear.”

Sonny swings his legs over the edge of the bed, pushing himself upright then holding his hands up in mock surrender as he takes two long strides to close the gap between them. “Hey, I’m not trying to piss you off.” He gently tilts Rafael’s chin up until their eyes meet, and he smiles. 

The sight of those dimples sends a wave of affection coursing through Rafael, prompting him to inch just a little closer to Sonny so their lips come together for a soft kiss. “Maybe I do want you to mean it,” he admits. “Maybe I want to say it and mean it, too.”

Sonny’s fingers thread through his hair. It’s comforting, something he’s been doing since the first time they’d fallen into bed together, and it draws a contented sigh from Rafael. “You can say it. If you want to, you can say it. Because I did mean it, Rafael. I didn’t want that to freak you out but of course I meant it, you have to know I did.”

Rafael nods. He takes hold of Sonny’s wrist, pulling his boyfriend’s hand from his hair so he can leave a kiss against his palm. “It does freak me out.” Sonny’s face falls a little but Rafael shakes his head. He lowers Sonny’s hand to his chest, over his heart. “It freaks me out but only because I’ve assumed for a long time it was too late for me. I didn’t expect you.”

Sonny laughs, nodding his understanding. “Yeah, I get it. Can’t really say I expected you, either. So I’ll say it again now, if that’s okay.”

“Please.”

“I love you.”

Rafael lets out a slow exhale, his eyes slipping shut as he repeats the word in his mind. Sonny loves him. Sonny loves him, and Rafael believes that. It feels foreign but he welcomes it. 

“I love you, Rafael.”

His eyes flutter back open and he pecks kisses to Sonny’s forehead then temple then cheek. “I have court.”

Sonny groans, dropping his head back as he grips Rafael’s shoulders, shaking him. “Are you kidding me?”

“Hey, look at me.” Sonny does. Rafael grins. “I love you, too. I’ll mean it every time.”


	2. everything is fine when your hand’s resting next to mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “Shh, you’re safe. I won’t let you go.” and “Hey, I know you’re hurting.. but, you’re not alone, okay?”
> 
> TW: Description of a panic attack.

It happens almost as quickly as it ends.

One second, Rafael is delivering a magnificent verbal ass whooping to the defendant on the stand. The room is tense, every juror has their eyes trained only on Rafael, who moves with grace and flair and earns every ounce of impressed admiration being delivered to him today. 

It makes Sonny proud, to watch Rafael in his element like this, it always does. They’ve talked before about what they think they might have done in some other life, what other jobs might have suited them if they’d wandered down different paths. Rafael had said maybe something with music, his grandmother had encouraged him to learn the piano at church when he was a kid, but that hobby had fallen by the wayside when he’d entered high school. It makes sense, Sonny thinks now, everything about the way Rafael speaks and moves is melodic, has an unmatched rhythm. He is the beat of his own drum. Sonny’s reminded of how grateful he should be that together, they seem to fall into perfect harmony. 

Then it all falls apart. Sonny blinks, that’s all it takes. He blinks and the defendant is leaping over the stand at Rafael to the sound of stunned gasps and one juror’s scream. Sonny barely has time to process what’s happening until Liv’s on her feet and Judge Barth is shouting for the bailiff’s help and Rafael is falling to the ground with fists flying at his face.

Sonny can’t move. He should be able to move. 

He blinks again and he’s at Rafael’s side, Liv and the bailiff have already apprehended the perp. He has no idea where the time’s gone or how long it’d taken him to get here, to this moment, to his boyfriend who blinks up at him through wide, confused eyes and blood dripping down his temple and cheek and nose and lip, there’s so much more blood than there should ever be coming from Rafael.

There’s nothing he can do except hold Rafael’s hand and promise everything’s okay to be okay. 

“Shh, you’re safe,” he says, shrugging his jacket off so Rafael’s head can have a little cushion. “I won’t let you go. I know you’re hurting but you’re not alone, okay? I’m right here. Just stay still for a bit, the paramedics will be here soon, you hit your head pretty hard.”  
“I’m fine,” Rafael insists, though he winces at the strain against the fresh cut on his lip. He squeezes Sonny’s hand and if he was in better shape, Sonny suspects Rafael would be rolling his eyes right about now. Instead, he struggles to let out a cough and it sends specks of blood spraying onto Sonny’s shirt. Sonny looks down at himself and in that instant, it’s like the whole room starts to close in on him. 

Don’t panic, that’s what a little voice in the back of his mind tells him as he zones in on the blood, Rafael’s blood, on his shirt, on him. Don’t panic. Is that what this is, panic? Is that what the tightening in his throat is, the shortness of breath, the sweat forming on the back of his neck? It’s a lot like the way he feels after he wakes up from a bad nightmare about a gun held two centimeters from his face and a splatter of blood all over him that he can’t distinguish from himself or the shooter. Yeah, it feels just like that. 

The thing is, it’s never been Rafael’s blood before and this isn’t a dream.

“Sonny.”

Rafael’s voice draws Sonny back to the present, back to reality, and he stares down at his boyfriend with parted lips and words lost to the tip of his tongue.

“You’re safe,” Rafael says, echoing Sonny’s words. He squeezes Sonny’s hand again reassuringly, gently rubbing the pad of his thumb over rough skin. “You’re not alone. Take a deep breath for me, you know what to do.”

Yes, Sonny knows what to do, it’s what his therapist had taught him to do, what he’d shared with Rafael after he couldn’t just brush off his nightmares anymore. Four seconds in, four seconds out. Four seconds in, four seconds out. It helps. It helps to hear Rafael speak, to know Rafael’s blood isn’t a sign of something much worse than a few sucker punches to the face.

Rafael is going to be okay, they’re both okay. Four seconds in, four seconds out.

He startles a bit when he feels fingertips against his cheek, brushing away tears he hadn’t realized were falling, and he smiles sheepishly at Rafael, shaking his head. “You’re not supposed to be the one comforting me.”

Rafael smiles back at him as the paramedics coming running down the aisle of the courtroom, already barking questions at them that go momentarily ignored.  
“You take care of me, I take care of you. That’s how this works, right?”

Sonny huffs a laugh, nodding, bringing Rafael’s knuckles to his lips even as the paramedics drop to their knees beside them. “Yeah, Raf, that’s how it works. That’s the only way it works.”


	3. i’ll go get a ring, let the choir bell sing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “You aren’t supposed to laugh! I’m embarrassed!”

When Rafael arrives at the 16th on Monday morning, it’s with a large cup of coffee in each hand and a grimace hidden behind a pair of aviators he doesn’t bother to take off even once he gets through the doors. Nobody seems to notice, there’s a flurry of activity around him, which is both a blessing and a curse. He appreciates the fact that everyone seems too busy to pay him any mind, yes, but do they really have to be so loud while going about their business?

As he approaches the SVU bullpen and catches sight of the back of a familiar head, Rafael has to smile. Sonny had left early this morning, before the sun had even finished rising, leaving a tall glass of water and a bottle of ibuprofen on Rafael’s nightstand. He vaguely remembers being woken by a kiss to his forehead and a whispered “love you” before promptly falling back asleep. It’s exactly for that reason Rafael comes bearing this gift now, dropping Sonny’s coffee down on his boyfriend’s desk as he takes a sip of his own. 

Sonny glances up from the paperwork he’d been working on, smiling brightly at the sight of a clearly hungover Rafael and rising from his chair so he can reach out to squeeze Rafael’s arm. “Hey, you’re alive. How do you feel?”

“Like I got run over by several semis. My head is killing me.”

Sonny hums his sympathy then carefully plucks the sunglasses from Rafael’s face, laughing at the scowl that follows. “You still managed to match your pocket square to your tie so at least there’s that.”

“Funny. Where’s everyone else?”

As if on cue, the door to Liv’s office opens to reveal Amanda and Fin in the doorway. Amanda’s eyes widen once she seems Rafael, though he can’t fathom why, and she brings a hand up to cover her mouth before quickly recovering and clearing her throat. 

“Oh, hi, Counselor,” she says, briefly locking eyes with Sonny, who flicks his tongue over his lips and immediately diverts his gaze to his shoes. “Glad to see you’re not out of commission after last night.”

Rafael quirks a brow, unsure of how to respond but quick to come up with something anyway, just to avoid feeling foolish. “I’m just fine, Detective, it takes a little more than a few drinks to take me down.”

“Right.” Amanda’s voice wavers and she steals a look at Fin, whose expression remains as unreadable as ever. “We, uh, have a case. Good luck, Carisi.”

Before Rafael can ask what the hell she means by that, Amanda and Fin have brushed past him, probably faster than he’s ever seen either of them move when not headed after a perp. After a moment of silent contemplation that finds him coming up completely void of explanation for Amanda’s behavior, Rafael turns back to Sonny with an accusatory glare. 

“Okay, care to fill me in on why I’m feeling like the butt of some big squad joke? Contrary to popular belief, I don’t always like to think people are talking about me when I’m not around.” 

Looking properly chastised and marginally guilty, Sonny grabs his coffee with one hand and tugs at Rafael’s wrist with the other, encouraging him to take a seat in the empty chair next to Sonny’s. “Look,” he says, rolling his own chair a couple inches closer once they’ve both settled, “it’s nothing bad, I promise. It’s just… last night, you had a little more booze than usual.”

Rafael lifts his chin up indignantly. “So what? It happens. I don’t think I deserve to be mocked for that.”

“You really don’t remember.” Sonny groans, scrubbing a hand over his face. “It’s not that you were drunk, sweetheart. You got up and did some karaoke.”

Rafael blinks. “I don’t do karaoke.”

“Uh-huh. You sang a Bruno Mars song.”

“I don’t know any Bruno Mars songs.”

Sonny narrows his eyes, his mouth twisting like he’s trying to hold back a laugh or a smirk or anything else Rafael might be tempted to smack right off his face. 

“Well, you knew this one.”

“What was it called?”

“‘Marry You.’”

Oh, shit. Rafael does know that song. That doesn’t mean he has to accept what he’s hearing is true. 

“No.” He shakes his head emphatically. “No, no, no, definitely not.”

“You sang the whole thing, Raf, serenaded me in front of the whole bar. You even got down on one knee!”

“Nope. You’ve got the wrong Rafael Barba.” At Sonny’s burst of laughter, Rafael shoots a fist out to punch lightly at Sonny’s shoulder. “You aren’t supposed to laugh! I’m embarrassed!”

Sonny catches Rafael’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “Don’t be,” he says, tilting his head to catch Rafael’s gaze. There’s a softness in those eyes, affection that Rafael has found is only ever reserved for him, and it helps him relax. “You might not live it down for a little while, but I loved every second of it.”

“Not the part about breaking up.”

“Oh, no.” Sonny’s tone is teasing but Rafael is admittedly relieved to see his expression is fondly sincere. “See, that part I just pretend isn’t even part of the song, it’s dead to me.”

Rafael scoffs. “You’re an idiot.”

“An idiot you want to marry, apparently.”

Just as Rafael opens his mouth to share a retort, a voice sounds from behind him. 

“Oh, Barba!” 

Liv. Goddamn it. 

Rafael whips his head to face her, daring her with fierce eyes and a knit brow to say something, anything. She smiles sweetly, leaning against her doorframe with her coffee mug in hand. 

“Having a good morning?”

“Peachy.”

“Glad to hear it.” She kicks off from the doorway, turning on her heels to head back into her office. She pauses then, glancing over her shoulder at Rafael and Sonny with a widening grin. “By the way, my sincerest congratulations. I’ve already cleared my schedule for the wedding.”

She ducks back into the office and shuts the door before the crumpled piece of paper Rafael tosses can reach her.


	4. what would i do without your smart mouth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “I’ve had a rough day and honestly all I want right now is a drink and someone to cuddle with.”

“No.”

“Oh, come on.”

“No.”

“Rafael!”

“Sonny!” 

Swatting Rafael’s arm and expertly ignoring the irritated scowl Rafael shoots at him, Sonny darts a few steps in front of his boyfriend, turning his back to the rest of the crowd on the sidewalk. “We’re here, we’re alone, it’s perfect! Let’s do it.”

“You’re out of your mind, you know that?” Rafael reaches out to tug at the hem of Sonny’s shirt to prevent him from running into someone in an exceptionally low quality version of a SpongeBob SquarePants costume then firmly guides him to face forward, taking Sonny’s hand in his so they can walk together in stride. “I can’t even believe you’d suggest doing it in the first place, did you have too many Bloody Marys at brunch this morning?”

“ _No_ ,” Sonny protests, though Rafael isn’t entirely off point with that particular accusation. Still, he’s most definitely in his right mind and as he slows to a stop in front of the fountains to their right, Sonny shifts so he can study Rafael’s face. “We already know it’s what we want so why not just go through with it? Let’s get married.”

The fountains roar along in synchronized majesty to Lennon’s “Imagine” as Rafael sighs, shaking his head.

“We can’t. Not here, not now. You know that.”

“Why not? What’s stopping us?”

Rafael scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Oh, I don’t know, common sense? My mother would kill me. I don’t mean that figuratively, I’m one hundred percent certain she would actually murder me if I got married without her there to see it. Your mom and sisters would maim you, at best.”

“But--”

“Do you know how many times Bella has sent me wedding ideas since we got engaged?”

“It can’t possibly be more than the number of times she’s sent them to me.”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying, imagine how upset she’d be if we came home married from _Las Vegas_.”

Sonny cups Rafael’s cheeks, holding his gaze. “It’s not about them, Rafael. You know that, right?”

“Getting married isn’t about them,” Rafael agrees, “but the wedding is. I would’ve married you at City Hall by now if it wasn’t.”

A soft smile turns up at the corners of Sonny’s mouth and he leans forward to press a chaste kiss to Rafael’s lips. “Well, I still think it’s a good idea.”

Rafael hums, quirking a brow in amusement. “I’ll bet you do. Look, I’ve had a rough day and honestly all I want right now is a drink and someone to cuddle with.”

Narrowing his eyes, Sonny fixes him with a skeptical glare. “I’m assuming by ‘had a rough day,’ you actually mean ‘lost a few hundred dollars to blackjack’? And by ‘someone,’ I really hope you mean _me_.”

“You know exactly what I mean,” Rafael says petulantly. “You know I’m a sore loser. Are you going to give me scotch and cuddles or not? I’m sure that very fit Chippendale’s street performer would be happy to--”

“ _Okay_ , okay. We’ll go back to the room for a little bit but then we’re going hotel exploring again after dinner. Fair?”

“We’ll see.”

Cuddling quickly becomes making good use of every possible surface to have sex on in their Bally’s suite, which comes as a surprise to neither of them. They wake up an hour too late to make their reservation at the Wynn’s Wing Lei but even so, Sonny insists they dress their best and grab a bite down in the lobby at an upscale Thai restaurant called Sea. It gets the job done, Rafael has absolutely no complaints. Besides, he considers himself very well-behaved when he waits until after his _second_ glass of wine to whine about going back up to their room.

“We can go hotel exploring tomorrow,” Rafael says. He’s not above batting his lash and pushing his bottom lip out, which usually doesn’t work anyway but it’s always worth trying. “Besides, I wouldn’t mind giving that jet tub another few whirls.”

Sonny chuckles, resting his hand over Rafael’s on their table. “As tempting as that is, I have to say I’m a little disappointed we didn’t make it to Wing Lei. We can try that again tomorrow, too, but I’d kind of like to at least check out the hotel. I’ve heard it’s beautiful in there.”

“It’s beautiful in pretty much all of the hotels,” Rafael points out, waving his other hand dismissively. “We’ve got three more days of Vegas time left, I think we can afford to spread some of this stuff out.”

“Well, we can either go take a look at the Wynn, or you could agree to marry me. Which would you prefer?” Sonny smiles innocently then takes a sip of his wine as he waits for Rafael to answer.

Leaning forward and lowering his voice to a near whisper, Rafael says, “I’d _prefer_ for you to take me back upstairs and fuck me until I can’t think straight but I guess if you want to go see your precious hotel, that’s what we’ll do.”

Sonny purses his lips, squinting at him before nudging his nose against Rafael’s. “You drive a hard bargain, Counselor. Hotel, it is.”

If Rafael grumbles about how wearing a white linen shirt, which Sonny had oddly chosen for him this evening, had been a terrible idea in the desert heat, it goes entirely ignored by his other half. It isn’t until they’re actually inside the Wynn, greeted by blessed air conditioning and then the sight of a beautiful carousel display made up entirely of flowers, that Rafael is convinced to stop complaining.

“Wow, this is gorgeous,” he says, letting Sonny lead him down the lobby. They’re surrounded on both sides by trees wrapped with lights and large orbs made up of more flowers hanging lit above them in red and orange and purple. It’s like walking through a wonderland, there’s something wonderfully fantastical about it all, and Rafael happily poses for a selfie when Sonny pulls out his phone. 

They wander aimlessly throughout the lobby until they reach a roped off area, marked with a sign that reads THE WEDDING SALONS. There’s a single employee standing by a tall, open door who looks over at them and offers a single, polite nod before disappearing inside. It does nothing to faze Rafael but Sonny’s interest, on the other hand, is piqued.

“Let’s go in.”

Rafael frowns, unsure he’s heard Sonny correctly. “Sorry, what?”

“Let’s go in!” 

“Okay, that’s what I thought you said, and I’m going to respond with a hard _no_.”

“It’ll be fun!” Sonny’s already tugging him toward the ropes and Rafael lets him, albeit with several dramatic sighs. “You know you want to take a peek. We won’t bother anyone, we’ll just look and then if you want to go, we’ll go.”

Rafael rubs at the bridge of his nose, feigning frustration. “If we end up in Wynn jail, it’s entirely your fault.”

“I accept that responsibility,” Sonny answers solemnly.

“Fine, if we’re going to do this, let’s do this. You go first.”

Sonny accepts that responsibility, too, and ever so gently, he pushes open the door to the salon and makes room for Rafael in the doorway.

It’s magnificent inside, Rafael has never seen anything like it. He steps through the intricately carved wooden doors to find a ceiling designed to make it seem like they’re outdoors, a beautiful shade of dark blue with twinkling lights to emulate stars hanging above them. Rows and rows of elegant white chairs trimmed with gold line either side of the room and lining the aisles are dozens of lit, glowing candles. Two enormous, artificial palm trees frame the altar where a shrine of white roses is positioned in the center beneath a canopy of green and cascading, shimmering lights. A beautiful version of John Legend’s “All of Me” featuring only the piano plays softly around them and Rafael has to laugh even as it brings tears to his eyes. It’s the song that’d been playing when they’d proposed to each other months ago. 

The whole scene takes his breath away. 

It’s an elaborate set-up, one he can’t deny he’d mind having for their own wedding. When he looks over at Sonny, it’s with a look of awe, and he finds that Sonny doesn’t seem to be paying any attention at all to what’s in front of them. No, Sonny’s just looking at _him_. 

“It’s beautiful,” Rafael whispers, stealing a glance at the altar again, thankful that none of the guests seem to have noticed their presence. 

“Yeah? You like it?”

“Like it? God, it’s unbelievable. Makes me want to rethink the whole getting married in Vegas thing.”

Sonny bites down on his lip, fidgeting with his free hand as he shifts from one foot to the other. “It’s funny you should say that.” He untangles his fingers from Rafael’s, moving his hand to the small of Rafael’s back and encouraging him to step further into the room.

“What are you-- Sonny, _no_ , I’m not going to crash a wedding!”

At that moment, everyone who’d been sitting now stands, turning in unison to face them. Rafael freezes, eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights until he realizes some of the faces are starting to look familiar. 

Fin and Ken stand side-by-side next to Ken’s husband Alejandro, who’s holding their baby boy. Amanda beams at them, looking radiant in a soft pink dress and her hair pinned up. All of the Carisi sisters are already crying whilst clinging desperately at each other’s hands, even Tommy looks misty-eyed with Izzy held against his waist. Liv has a hand held over her heart and Rafael can see the pride and affection shining in her eyes. 

“What do you say, Rafael?” Sonny murmurs in his ear. He presses a kiss to Rafael’s temple, letting his lips linger. “Let’s get married.”

“But--” Rafael gasps for a breath through tears that are already falling down his cheeks. He has no control over them, not anymore, not when he’s shaking against Sonny’s touch and under the gaze of all these people who have found such specific ways to fit so perfectly into the puzzle of their lives. “But my mom, your parents, we--”

“Look again.”

When Rafael does, he sees them. There, in the front row, his mother one side of the aisle and Mr. and Mrs. Carisi on the other, the three of them all in one place together for the very first time for them. 

_For them_ , Rafael thinks. He chokes on another sob, turning to wrap his arms around Sonny’s waist. This marriage, this wedding, it’s for the two of them. 

“Okay,” Rafael says, tilting his head up with a trembling smile. “Let’s get married.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for bearing with me as I post these! I’ve been having a blast filling the prompts over on Tumblr ([rawresparza](%E2%80%9Crawresparza.tumblr.com%E2%80%9D), if you’d like to send one, too) and I hope it isn’t too annoying that I keep posting! I haven’t been this motivated to write in quite some time so I’m trying to take advantage of that. 
> 
> In any case, just wanted to mention a couple things about this particular fill. In addition to the prompt itself, I was inspired by this lovely commercial and this is the version of John Legend’s “All of Me”” I had in mind for the end scene. I hope you enjoy checking out both!


	5. hot blooded, check it and see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “Calm down! You’re scaring me!”

When his phone rings on a slow Tuesday afternoon, Sonny has absolutely no complaints—especially when a photo of a grinning Rafael Barba pops up on his screen, a new shot he’d taken just last week when they’d gone out to the carousel in Brooklyn. Seeing Rafael that happy does nothing but send a wave of affection through him every single time. Sonny looks at it often.

“Hey, you,” he answers, leaning back in his chair with an easy smile. He glances over at Amanda, ignoring the look of mock disgust on her face. She likes to tease him about Rafael, about the dopey smile he gets on his face for over a year now every time his boyfriend struts through the precinct doors or when he gets a call in the middle of the afternoon unrelated to a case or basically anytime Rafael’s name comes up in any capacity, really. 

Sonny doesn’t mind it. He knows she’s happy for him, even if she likes to pretend she’s put out by it all. 

“Sonny.” 

His smile fades into a frown almost immediately at the sound of Rafael’s ragged voice. It catches Amanda’s attention, but he shakes his head, holding a finger up to signal for her to wait. “Raf, sweetheart, you don’t sound so good. What’s wrong?”

“It’s bad news. Terrible. The worst.”

“I don’t understand, what’s bad news? You’re going to have to help me out here.”

“I just want you to know that half of all my assets are going to you. Other half to my mom. You can split up my belongings the way you want.”

Sonny stands from his chair, one hand coming to rest on his hip. He can feel Amanda’s eyes on him but he can’t be bothered by anything else when Rafael is talking like he’s— well, Sonny doesn’t even want to entertain the thought. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I didn’t think I’d go out like this.”

“Hey, calm down!” Granted, Rafael’s not the one who sounds like he’s in hysterics, but Sonny’s heart is pounding in his chest and he ducks around a corner where he paces two steps back and forth in the shadows. “Listen, you’re scaring me! Can you just tell me what’s going on? Please.”

“It all came crashing down on me. I love you, Sonny, so very, very much. I love your eyes. So blue. So pretty.”

Hey, wait. 

“And I love your hair. All that silver, I love to kiss it. I love to kiss you all over, especially your—”

“ _Whoa_ , okay, Mr. Barba, I think the rest can wait.” The new voice is distant but Sonny hears it clearly. There’s a scuffle on the other end of the line and it isn’t until the voice speaks again that he recognizes who it is. “Sonny, are you still there?”

“I’m here, Carmen. What’s going on with him? He sounds drunk.”

She sighs, one of those heavy, exasperated sighs Sonny is very familiar with, particularly when directed Rafael’s way. “He passed out in his office.”

“I’m sorry, _what_? When?”

“About fifteen minutes ago. I was bringing in his messages and the second he stood up from his chair, he just fell over. Hit his head, but it’s not too bad, just a bump. Paramedics came by, turns out he’s dehydrated and also has a fever.”

Sonny groans, dropping his chin to his chest. Rafael _had_ felt a little more like a furnace than usual this morning but he hadn’t thought much of it because he’d already been running late for work. He chastises himself for that now, for not stopping to make Rafael eat something or drink more than just four damn cups of coffee in a row. “How high’s the fever?”

“101.”

“Shit. They didn’t want to take him to the hospital? Make sure his head’s okay?”

“Mr. King of Self-Care over here refused to let them get him in an ambulance.” 

Sonny rolls his eyes, giving himself a light smack on the forehead with his palm. “Of course not. I can’t even be surprised by that. Okay, I’m heading over there now, just do me a favor and make sure he stays put.”

“Don’t worry, he’s lying on the couch. Paramedics gave him an ice pack for the bump and I grabbed a big bottle of water for him.”

“Did he drink any of it?”

“He asked for a coffee.”

“Jesus. I’m on my way.”

Shoving his phone in his back pocket, Sonny wastes no time in taking the few long strides back to his desk to collect his keys. 

“Everything good with Barba?” Amanda asks cautiously, watching him with a tilted head and curious expression. 

“No, he’s an idiot,” Sonny says. “He’s got a fever and passed out in his office. Carmen’s taking care of him until I get there.”

“ _Oh_.” Amanda rises halfway up from her seat, looking uncertain. “Do you need— Can I help?”

Sonny offers her a grateful smile. “Nah, I have it handled. He’ll be okay, I just need to get him to the doctor then get him home. Thanks.”

“Of course.” She lowers herself back onto her chair, her mouth twitching. “He probably wouldn’t want me to witness him like that anyway. Tell him I said get well soon.”

“You’re not wrong,” Sonny says with a laugh, “I’ll check in later.”

It takes thirty-three minutes to get to One Hogan Place, and Sonny is still cursing the traffic as he approaches the doors to Rafael’s office. He could’ve walked here faster, frankly, but his frustrations vanish once he catches sight of Carmen gesturing wildly through the window. 

“That can’t be good,” he mutters to himself, taking in a deep breath before reaching for the door handle. 

“— _fourth time_ you’ve asked me, how many times do I have to tell you the answer is no?” Carmen looks up at Sonny as he walks in, her eyes dangerously wide with a glimmer of ferocity, and she points at Rafael. “How do you deal with him every single day?”

“Same way you do,” Sonny retorts, choking back a laugh when she folds her hands and holds them up to her lips. He glances over at Rafael, very nearly letting out an unintentional “awww” at pitiful sight of his boyfriend sprawled out on the couch. One leg is stretched out, his foot propped up on the arm of the couch, but the other is kicked over the edge and bent at the knee, foot firmly planted on the floor. One hand holds an ice pack at his right temple and Rafael’s eyes lift up, his lips forming a perfect pout. 

“She doesn’t care that I’m on my deathbed,” Rafael says, “can you believe that? Where’s the loyalty?”

“The loyalty is right here trying to force feed you water, which, by the way, was never in my job description,” Carmen snaps. She turns to Sonny again. “I need to go make sure all his meetings get rescheduled. He’s your problem now.”

Sonny bites down on the inside of his cheek, nodding earnestly. “Don’t worry, I’ll take it from here. Thanks for your help.”

Carmen steps toward the couch, giving Rafael a swat on the arm, brushing right past his exaggerated yelp. “Get better. Drink lots of water. Listen to Sonny.”

“ _Yes, mother_ ,” Rafael says, scowling at her, though there’s a gentle affection behind it that only he ever seems able to manage. 

“You’re lucky I don’t call your mother,” Carmen tells him, rendering Rafael silent. With a satisfied nod, she spins on her heels and heads out the office, sharing a conspiratorial smile with Sonny on the way. 

Sonny waits for the door to click shut before he takes a seat at the edge of the table in front of the couch, feeling Rafael’s cheek then taking Rafael’s free hand in his. “Oh, babe, you’re burning up. You should have told me.”

Rafael gives him an accusatory glare. “Why, so you could spend the entire morning babying me?”

“Because that’s worse than the alternative, which is this?”

Narrowing his eyes, Rafael scoffs but shrugs a conciliatory shoulder. “Touché.”

Sonny has to smile. His boyfriend is stubborn, he will always be stubborn, but that changes nothing. In the end, he’ll always want to do whatever it takes to make sure Rafael is taken care of, it’s what Rafael deserves after so many decades of having to take care of himself. The nicest thing about it, Sonny thinks, is Rafael does the same for him, even if it’s in his own way. 

“Let me take you to the doc, okay?”

“That’s not necessary.” Rafael pushes himself up on an elbow as if to prove his point but it’s a failed effort because he immediately sways in place, his eyes squeezing shut to ward off the dizziness. “On second thought, that might not be such a terrible idea.”

“Yeah, no kidding.” Sonny bends to help him up, moving slowly and carefully until Rafael is steady enough to take his first step toward the door. “Next time, let’s avoid passing out in the middle of the day.”

“Better reserved for morning or late evening?”

“Hilarious. I’m just trying to take care of you, smartass.”

Rafael stops short, tugging at the back of Sonny’s shirt. He studies Sonny’s face for a moment before leaning in so their lips meet for a soft, quick kiss. “You do. You always take care of me. Don’t ever think for a second I don’t love and appreciate you for it.”

Sonny hums, pressing another kiss to one of Rafael’s grey patches. “Wow, the fever’s really getting’ to you, isn’t it?”

“Oh, shut up.” Rafael gives him a little shove, grimacing at Sonny’s burst of laughter. “You’ve just lost your half of my assets.”

“Good thing I’ll have a very long time to try to earn it back.”

“Only if I don’t kill you first.”


	6. the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “I have a feeling we should kiss.” “Is that a good feeling or a bad feeling?”

Through all the fantasies he’s had about taking Rafael Barba to bed, Sonny had never once taken the time to consider how awkward the morning after might be.

Their first kiss had been just about perfect, better than anything Sonny had imagined, and he knows he’ll be replaying it in his head over and over again for longer than he’ll ever care to admit. The setting hasn’t been ideal, no, he hadn’t ever really pictured cupping Rafael’s cheeks in the alley of a bar; but it’s not really about the setting, he supposed. He’d been with the right person and in that moment, with Rafael looking up at him like he couldn’t believe Sonny would want this, nothing else had mattered.

“I have a feeling we should kiss,” Rafael had said, so close their lips had already been brushing.

“Mm. Is that a good feeling or a bad feeling?”

A good one, as it turns out, one that’d taken them all the way back to Sonny’s apartment.

He’d stuttered his way through undressing Rafael, peeling away layers of a beautiful suit he’d somehow looked even better out of, had gained a little more confidence leading his— _his_ , god, getting a little ahead of himself—ADA to his bed. By the time he’d finally slid into Rafael’s unbearably tight body, all reservations had disappeared entirely. They’d moved together like it wasn’t the first time, like they’d already learned each other so well. Every moan and gasp and whimper drawn from Rafael’s lips had sent a new shiver up his spine and when they’d come together, the only thing that’d come to mind for Sonny was that he’d never felt this way with anyone before.

When he’d woken up, Rafael’s head had been resting on his chest and an arm had been thrown over his hip, the sheets kicked down to their ankles. Sonny had threaded fingers through thick hair, playing with the strands at the nape of Rafael’s neck and tracing shapes over bare skin. It’d been an ideal few minutes of quiet intimacy between them until Rafael had woken up and they’d both smiled tightly before shrinking away from each other. They’d both gotten dressed facing opposite directions, Rafael doesn’t glance his way any of the times Sonny looks over his shoulder, and maybe that’s a little disappointing.

Maybe it hurts. Just a little.

He’s the first to speak, to break the ice that’d frozen over all the warmth they’d shared the night before. “So, uh, you don’t— I mean, _I_ don’t, but do you have any, you know, regrets?”

Rafael looks thoughtful for a moment, like he’s giving careful consideration to his answer, which can’t possibly mean anything good. He’s thinking this had been a mistake, this had been a one-time deal, this had been something they should never talk about again ever. Sonny can already feel his heart falling in anticipation of Rafael’s answer but he tries to keep his expression neutral. It’s not Rafael’s fault this isn’t what he wants, it’s not his fault Sonny comes up lacking, it’s not his fault—

His thoughts are interrupted by the warmth of Rafael’s lips against his own and a contented sigh escapes him as his mouth parts, inviting in a skilled tongue. His hands find Rafael’s sides, roaming down a soft body that feels so right beneath his fingertips.

“Can I tell you something?” Rafael asks. He presses a finger to Sonny’s lips before Sonny can even speak, swallowing hard as his cheeks tint pink. “I’ve wanted this for a long time. You. And I’m a little nervous you won’t want to do this again.”

Sonny blinks, stunned by the confession. He takes hold of Rafael’s wrist, turning it so he can kiss the inside of it, just beneath the palm. He brings Rafael’s hand to his cheek, leaning into the touch. “I think you just read my mind.”

Rafael’s laugh is a little bashful, a little sheepish. It looks good on him, that vulnerability, because Sonny is used to seeing him so much more guarded. This, the softness in his eyes, the tenderness of his tone, this is much better. “So,” Rafael continues, his eyes downcast, “you would want to do this again? That’s a yes?”

Sonny tilts Rafael’s chin up, brushing a kiss over a worried forehead that smoothens out with the gesture. “Not just this. I want to take you to dinner. I want to make you dinner. I want to kiss you at work when nobody’s looking. I want a lot of things, Rafael. Is that okay with you?”

Nodding quickly with a short, breathless laugh, Rafael rises on his toes and kisses Sonny again, wrapping his loosely around Sonny’s neck. “Yeah. Yeah, I think I can work with that.”


	7. it's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “We live together. You can’t blame this on anyone else.”

“I already said I didn’t do it. Are you calling me a liar?”

Sonny sighs, rubbing at the bridge of his nose as he leans a shoulder against the frame of the doorway to their bedroom. This is in no way, shape or form the way he’d wanted to end a double shift, in fact, it’s very much the opposite way he’d wanted to do that.

“Come on, Raf. I don’t even know why you’re denying it. We live together. You can’t blame this on anyone else.”

“I didn’t eat the damn lasagna, Sonny. It was a whole lasagna, I’m not even sure I’m capable of doing that.”

Even as he says it, Rafael’s eyes narrow suspiciously, and Sonny sure as hell catches it. His boyfriend thinks he’s slick, he really does, and a lot of the time, he’s right. But Sonny can read him like an open book, which he thinks is only right after two years of learning this man inside and out. He’d worked hard to earn Rafael’s trust, to make him believe that in spite of how terrifying the idea of opening his heart to someone might be, it would be worth it in the end.

It has been. Every second has been worth Rafael’s mood swings and sass and condescension, but Rafael Barba wouldn’t be Rafael Barba sans even just one of those things. Sonny loves him for it, loves him for all of it, especially when Rafael looks up at him with those big, green eyes, like he’s the only one left in the world who matters. He’s looked at Rafael like that for so long, it’d hit him harder than he’d expected the day Rafael had returned the favor.

Tonight, though, is one of those nights his frustration is getting the best of him.

“You know I made that to take to dinner tomorrow night. It’s Bella’s favorite.”

“What, like you can’t make another one?”

“That’s not the point!”

Rafael purses his lip, rolling his eyes dramatically. “I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“I just don’t understand why you’d say you didn’t do it if you did it! Just tell me the truth, is it really that difficult for you?”

“Okay, fine, _finesavored every bite_. Happy now?”

Sonny throws his hands up in the air in exasperation, short, sputtering huffs of breath escaping him before his words can. “Why would you do that? Why?”

Rafael sits up a little straighter, bending forward over the sheets and making hard eye contact with Sonny. “I. Was. Hungry.”

 _Okay_.

“That… I’m…”

Sonny manages to match Rafael’s glare for a full five seconds before the corners of his lips start to twitch. It starts deep in his belly, a tiny rumbling that moves up through his chest and into his throat until he’s slapping a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing.

Lifting his chin indignantly, Rafael leans back against the headboard, resting folded hands over his belly. “It’s not that funny.”

Sonny finally allows himself to burst into laughter at that, hand moving from his mouth to cover his heart. “Oh, god. Rafael Barba. Sometimes I don’t know what the hell to do with you.”

“You could stop yelling at me about eating food that’s in our fridge and get into bed with me.”

That’s a request Sonny can’t even pretend to consider turning down. He strips himself of his vest and shirt, shimmying out of his pants so he’s left only in his boxers. He holds a finger up at Rafael’s impending protest as he takes a step toward the bed. “I’ll pick it up tomorrow. Right now, I just want to make sure you know how much I love you.”

“Does that mean you forgive me for the lasagna thing?”

Sonny hums, coming to rest on his knees and tilting his head as if contemplating his answer before leaning for a long, slow kiss. He smiles when Rafael moans into his mouth, relishing the feel of his boyfriend’s fingers threading through his hair. When he finally pulls back, he watches Rafael’s face, chuckling at the affection reflected back at him. “That a good enough answer?”

Rafael shrugs, trailing his fingertips down the nape of Sonny’s neck. “It’ll do. I wouldn’t mind further confirmation.”

“Uh-huh.” Their lips meet again and Sonny shifts, kicking one leg over Rafael’s hips so he’s straddling him, grinding their bodies together at a maddeningly slow pace. “I told you I was going to show you I love you, didn’t I?”

“And you’ve yet to break a promise to me.”

“Never.” Sonny nudges his nose against Rafael’s, sitting up so he can slip his hands beneath the hem of Rafael’s shirt. His fingers meet soft skin of a soft belly and he digs into Rafael’s sides just hard enough to earn a yelp. “I love you so much. I love you so much I’ll let you help me make a whole new lasagna when we wake up tomorrow.”

Rafael squints, thrusting his hips upwards and smirking when Sonny can’t help but groan at the friction. “As long as you’re about to ease me into that punishment, I think I’ll be able to deal with it.”


	8. here comes the rush before we touch, come a little closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “I think about you all the time, it’s freaking annoying.”

It’s a sweet little habit of Sonny’s, one Rafael doesn’t fully grasp but appreciates all the same. The first one had come in the form of a text and Rafael had been nothing but perplexed by the unexpected, unexplained photo of Sonny filtered with floppy dog ears and an obnoxiously long tongue lapping toward the camera.

“It’s called Snapchat,” Sonny had told him, “come on, I know you know what that is.”

“Yes, but why are you using it to send me nonsense pictures?”

“Bella made the whole family download it so she could send us snaps and pictures of Izzy. I thought maybe it’d make you smile.”

Rafael has honestly never heard a sweeter sentiment in his life. So many of the things Sonny does, he does just to make Rafael smile. Surprise coffees, pastries Rafael has lied about swearing off, random but very welcome visits, these are all things Sonny has brought him without ever once having to be asked. More often than not, Sonny just seems to know exactly what Rafael needs to get through a day. It makes him feel guilty sometimes, that he doesn’t quite know how to return the favor. In spite of the fact they’ve been “officially” dating for nearly six months now, this is still so very new to him, both being in a relationship with someone as bright and optimistic as his boyfriend and being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t expect more of him than he can give.

He _wants_ to give more.

But what?

The one thing he’s always known how to give is his body. That sounds worse than what he means, really, it’s not that anyone has ever exploited him or made him feel like he isn’t worth what he likes to believe he is, but Rafael has never been great at the romantic part of romance. Nice dinners, he can pull off, visits to Broadway, absolutely; but he’s never been able to do what Sonny so effortlessly does for him and that’s make every moment they’re together feel special even when they’re doing nothing at all.

Sonny would argue that Rafael obviously plays a part in that, but Rafael has no problem accepting the truth. It’s all Sonny.

Even as he thinks it, though his focus should be on the paperwork in front of him that’s gone forgotten, his text tone pings at him and Rafael’s heart beats a little faster when he sees Sonny’s name pop up on his screen.

This time, the text comes with a video and the preview is of Sonny mid-laugh, his dimples deep and mouth wide open. Rafael stares at it, affection for his boyfriend pouring over him as he finally presses play.

“Hey, gorgeous,” Sonny says, his voice pitched unnaturally high, and Rafael has to laugh at the fox ears and giant, bushy tail that appears behind him. “I just wanted to tell you I miss you, and I can’t wait to crawl into bed with you tonight. We’re never allowed to go more than two days without seeing each other again because it’s torture, Raf, _torture_.”

“Shut up, you’re making me sick,” a voice calls from off-camera and Sonny’s laugh is boisterous, full-bodied. Rafael wishes he could see it in action.

“Okay, I gotta go before Rollins knocks me out but I’ll see you soon, okay? I love you.”

The video ends but Rafael can’t stop smiling, he smiles so widely his cheeks hurt as he plays the video again, then once more. He doesn’t know how Sonny can speak from his heart so freely, it’s something Rafael deeply admires about him. Sonny is patient with him, they’re patient with each other about the things that make them so very different. He’s learning. Sonny teaches him a little something more about what it means to be willing to open his heart to someone every day.

But now that he’s really giving it some earnest thought, maybe he can use his body to his advantage here. When they’re moving together in bed, when Sonny is buried deep inside him and Rafael’s toes have curled and their fingers lace tightly together, he never feels anything but fulfilled. When he’s wrapped in Sonny’s arms, he feels loved, he knows damn well he’s in love, and after playing the video Sonny has sent once more, Rafael feels more confident about the idea he’s had.

For the first time in a long time, he’s relieved he’s here later than he should be. Carmen has thankfully left for the day, it’s late enough that most people on the floor have gone home, and he glances up at the door with his teeth grazing over his bottom lip before he makes his decision to stand up and head for the door to lock it then turn down the blinds. There may not be too many people left around but he still doesn’t want to risk getting caught doing what he can’t believe he’s about to do.

The first thing on the agenda, though, is a healthy dose of scotch. He pours two fingers into a glass and wastes no time swallowing it down, clearing his throat as he sets the glass down and loosens his tie.

It’s not a big deal, he tries to tell himself, just a token of appreciation Sonny might like. Rafael hopes he’ll like it, anyway, he supposed this could very much be a hit or miss type of situation.

Unbuckling his belt, Rafael feels a thrill travel up his spine, one that becomes a full blown shiver once his pants have spilled around his ankles, followed by his underwear.

He wraps a hand around his length, letting his eyes flutter shut as he strokes himself, a stilted gasp escaping him as his cock hardens in his hand. Rafael releases a deep exhale, opening his eyes again so he can squint at his phone, setting it to selfie mode then holding it up above his head until he can find a sufficiently flattering angle. He bites down on his bottom lip for the photo, snaps the shot, then lets out a disappointed grunt at the final product.

How the hell do other people do this?

Sixteen attempts and nine awkwardly forced positions later, now standing completely naked in his office with his clothes strewn haphazardly at his feet, Rafael finally settles on a photo he finds acceptable. He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous when he hits the send button, this is nothing Sonny hasn’t seen before, but once it’s done, Rafael sets his phone face down on his desk and steps away from it like it might just burst into flames at any given second.

He’s just finishing buttoning up his shirt when his phone rings and he stares at it for a moment before answering the call.

“Holy shit, Rafael.” Sonny’s voice is low, a little echoey like he’s hiding in a bathroom stall, which Rafael suspects is exactly what he’s doing. “What is this?”

“You didn’t like it?”

“Didn’t like it? Please.” His voice grows huskier. “I’m about to ditch the precinct so I can come over there and bend you over your desk.”

“So you _did_ like it.”

“Yeah. Yeah, Raf, I liked it. Even though it almost got me in huge trouble at work.”

“Good. I just want to make sure you’re thinking of me.”

“Is that a joke? I think about you all the time, it’s freaking annoying. I saw a piece of a broken beer bottle on the street today and my first thought was ‘wow, it’s green like Rafael’s eyes.’”

“So glad to hear you’re comparing me to street trash now,” Rafael says, rolling his eyes. “Anyway, I’m trying to pay you back for all the things you send me.”

“I feel like there’s a little bit of a disconnect in content,” Sonny teases, “but I’m not complaining.”

Rafael feels a blush coming on, sheepishly aiming a half smile at the floor. “You said you’re coming over tonight, right?”

“Well, if I wasn’t before, I definitely am now.” A beat passes. “I really do miss you. Is that ridiculous?”

“After just two days of conflicting schedules? A little bit. I guess that makes me ridiculous, too.” Rafael can practically hear Sonny grinning through the phone, and he knows that’s not physically possible but he can sense it all the same. “I’ll leaving in about an hour. You?”

“Hoping I’ll get to do the same.”

“Okay. You know, if you want to bend me over something, that’s still an option available to you. The dining room table’s pretty sturdy, I’m almost offended you haven’t thought to christen it with me yet.”

“Oh, my _god_ , are you sure we can’t just both leave now?”

Rafael laughs, kicking his feet up on his desk. “Soon. At least now you have that picture to tide you over. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you if you show it to anyone, you die.”

“So you’re saying don’t make it my desktop background?”

“Goodbye, Detective Carisi.” He pauses, waiting for a response, but when Sonny doesn’t give him one, Rafael knows why and he can’t fight his pleased smile. “I love you.”

“There it is. Love you, too, Counselor.”


	9. i like where you sleep when you sleep next to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “I’m not going to stop poking you until you give me some attention.”

The first three jabs to his ribs, Rafael can more or less ignore. After the fourth, he can’t take it anymore.

It’s a Friday night, he’s finally gotten the chance to lie in bed with Stephen King’s latest novel, and he should feel as relaxed as is ever actually possible for someone who doesn’t know how to relax.

And yet, as he stares at the words on the first page of the book over the rims of his glasses, Rafael finds that he can’t concentrate on a damn thing because his insufferable, pain-in-the-ass boyfriend _won’t stop elbowing him_.

“I’ve asked you to stop twice now,” Rafael snaps, slamming his book shut and tossing it down into the space between them. “If you’re trying to piss me off even more, I’ll tell you what, it’s really working.”

Sonny blinks up at him with wide, puppy dog eyes, but it isn’t effective. Rafael still feels the sting of the conversation they’d had before climbing into bed in tense silence, and he doesn’t think it’ll go away anytime soon. If it weren’t already so late, he would’ve asked Sonny to go home because he doesn’t want to go to sleep this frustrated but it’s hard when every time he looks at Sonny’s face, he feels a pang of humiliation.

Sadness, too, that voice in the back of his head reminds him. Even if he doesn’t want to admit it, Rafael can’t keep the hurt at bay. He wishes he hadn’t bothered to say anything at all tonight.

“I’m not going to stop poking you until you give me some attention.”

“What, the shitstorm from an hour ago wasn’t enough for you?”

Sonny frowns, pushing himself up so his back is against the headboard and tilting his head to try to catch Rafael’s eye. “Wait, you’re mad about that?”

Rafael fixes Sonny with an incredulous glare, scoffing. “Am I— Sonny, of course I’m mad about that! Do you know me at all?”

“Okay, you said, and this is a direct quote, ‘don’t worry about it, we can talk about it later.’ You literally said that.”

It’s true, Rafael _had_ said that. In his defense, saying it doesn’t necessarily mean he’d meant it.

“Yeah, well. I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

“But we should.” Sonny shifts his entire body toward him down, kicking one leg out to drape over Rafael’s lap and taking one of Rafael’s hands in his. “We should talk about it. I want to.”

“Why? It’s clear it’s not what you want yet. Or ever, I don’t know.”

“See?” Sonny raises a finger directly in front of Rafael’s face, not remotely deterred when Rafael swats it away. “This is exactly why we should talk about it! You think that’s not what I want?”

Rafael lifts a challenging eyebrow, squaring his shoulders. If they’re going to do this, fine, they can do this. “I said I wanted you to move in with me.”

“Yes.”

“ _You _said… wait for it… ‘thank you.’”__

__Sonny opens his mouth to argue but the words don’t come. Replaying the admittedly very brief exchange as Rafael has re-enacted it, Sonny does have to admit, yeah, maybe he hadn’t sounded especially enthusiastic about the idea._ _

__“Okay, I maybe could’ve said a little more than that.”_ _

__“You think?”_ _

__“Babe.” Sonny drags his palm from Rafael’s chest down to wear the sheets draped over his belly, letting it come to rest there. “I want to move in with you.” Rafael rolls his eyes. “I’m serious, I do. I just… don’t necessarily want to move in _here_ , you know?”_ _

__“What?”_ _

__“Not my place either,” Sonny adds quickly, holding up a placating hand. “See, when I think about what my life might be like a year from now, couple years from now, five years from now, the only thing I’m sure of is that I want you there with me.”_ _

__Rafael’s shoulders lose some of their tension, though he’s not quite ready to be appeased. There’s still a little resentment left and it makes him feel vulnerable in a way that makes him nervous, mostly because he’s never felt this way with anyone else before. “You’re over here ninety percent of the time,” he grumbles, “that’s the only reason I said it.”_ _

__That, and he hates the nights when Sonny isn’t there to hold him while they fall asleep together. That, especially._ _

__“I love that you said it,” Sonny insists, his dimples showing as he reaches to cup Rafael’s cheek. “I love you. But I want us to find a place together, you know? Somewhere new, a place we can really work to make our own. I want to build that with you. Does that make sense?”_ _

__It makes sense. Rafael thinks Sonny could have been a hell of a lot clearer about that but it’s out there now, and he sighs, leaning into Sonny’s touch._ _

__“So when do we start looking?” he asks. The corners of his mouth twitch. “Like right now, or…”_ _

__Sonny laughs, scooting forward to press his lips against Rafael’s. “To be honest with you, I flag places I think we could both like all the time. I got one of those apartment hunting apps a while back.”_ _

__“And you just horde them? You’re a sick man.”_ _

__“Well, now I know you won’t march me out the door if I bring it up.”_ _

__“No,” Rafael says thoughtfully, “no, I’ll just say _thank you_.”_ _

__Sonny groans, his forehead dropping down against Rafael’s bare shoulder, though he pecks a quick kiss against soft skin. “You’re not going to let that go, are you?”_ _

__“Not for a long time.” Rafael leans his head back, wrapping an arm around Sonny to tug him closer. “But at least you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing wherever you go, I’ll be there.”_ _


	10. i had to find you, tell you i need you, tell you i set you apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “If I could, I would kiss away all of your scars.”
> 
> TW: mentions of past abuse

Rafael is quiet all the way from the courthouse to their apartment. Sonny watches him stare out the window of their Uber home, takes note of those tense shoulders and the clenched fists and that tight jaw. They’ve been through this before, this same kind of silence. It’s worrisome but it’s also familiar. Sonny has learned not to take it personally.

“We’ve got leftover Chinese from the other night. If I heat it up, will you have some?”

Rafael doesn’t look at him but his shoulders rise and fall. “Maybe.” He pauses then tries again. “Yeah, I will.”

That answer is for Sonny. It’s to avoid an argument or a lecture or even shameless begging. Rafael forgets to eat when he’s being eaten up inside. Sonny keeps him fed because he can’t do anything else.

Rafael doesn’t speak again until they’ve reached their bedroom and Sonny doesn’t try to push him. Pushing always has the opposite effect of what Sonny intends, Rafael is not a man who answers kindly to that kind of pressure in this kind of setting. Put him under pressure in the courtroom and he thrives. In the comfort and safety of their own home, on the other hand, he has a habit of retreating from anything that might force him to confront what he’s feeling head-on.

His usually deft fingers tremble against his dark blue shirt as he struggles to undo a button. Sonny can see the sheen of sweat forming on his forehead and he hesitates only for a second before deciding to take the risk and step in to help. He doesn’t ask, just acts, gently batting Rafael’s hands away so he can take over undoing the first button.

Sonny glances up at his boyfriend, mildly disappointed to find Rafael gazing blankly at the ceiling. “I know it was a tough case.” Rafael’s lips purse into a thin, firm line but Sonny persists. “You did everything you could for those kids. Everything.”

“Son of a bitch still walked,” Rafael says, his voice low, borderline dangerous, almost acting as a warning for Sonny to back off the subject. “Everything wasn’t enough, was it?” Sonny has nothing to say to that so Rafael glares at him. “Maybe if I’d been given the evidence I needed—”

“I’m not trying to fight you,” Sonny interrupts. He’s halfway done with the buttons but he stops to rest a palm over Rafael’s chest. “I’m not, I swear. Sometimes it happens this way, we both know that. The jury didn’t see what we saw. I’m just saying I know it’s hard for you but I’m here for anything you need.”

“Hard for me,” Rafael echoes with a bitter smirk. “Whatever could you mean?”

Sonny should have just kept his mouth shut. It’s too late for that now, the line’s been crossed. He resumes the unbuttoning, relieved when he recognizes Rafael is _letting_ him.

Once his shirt is loose and hanging open, Rafael shrugs it off, letting it fall unceremoniously to the floor. After another moment of carefully avoiding Sonny’s quizzical stare, his eyes flutter shut like he’s trying to prepare himself for what’s next, whether he knows what to expect or not.

But nothing comes. Rafael frowns, blinking his eyes back open to find Sonny still just watching him. No, he thinks, this isn’t just watching. It’s waiting. This is Sonny doing his best to give Rafael space without actually being able to go through with the space part. Rafael doesn’t blame him. He doesn’t want Sonny to be more than a few inches away from him right now either.

“I keep hoping one day it won’t hurt as much.” The admission comes quietly, Sonny’s sharp intake of breath does nothing to reassure Rafael that it’d been the right thing to say, and he suddenly feels all too naked. It’s just his shirt, he’s otherwise still clothed, but even though his body had been well-learned by Sonny ages ago, he still feels the need to defensively cross his arms over his chest.

But Sonny doesn’t need to search to know what he’ll find. There’s one thin line of raised skin near the center of Rafael’s spine, he’s traced over it more times than he can count. Just to the right of the base of his neck is a very nearly faded small, dark circle, one that might be mistaken for a bruise by anyone who doesn’t know better.

A belt and a cigarette, Rafael had admitted to him once, and those two instances had just happened to be bad enough to stick. Most of the time, Rafael seeks to prefer pretending those scars aren’t there. He doesn’t like talking about his father, doesn’t even like alluding to his father, and Sonny can’t fault him for that, not when there are physical reminders of why Rafael should want so badly to forget.

“I wish I hated him more.”

That’s new. It makes Sonny lift his brows in surprise and he steps closer to grip Rafael’s hips with his hands. “You can tell me.”

“There were good days,” Rafael says, “a lot of them. Sometimes the stretch of good lasted so long, I’d think maybe it wouldn’t happen again. Then I’d come home to the smell of beer and cigars and I knew— I just knew.”

Sonny’s fingertips find the scar on Rafael’s back. It seems so insignificant, it’s faded and thin and barely noticeable but for Rafael, it’s the worst kind of memory. That’s hard to reconcile for Sonny. He’s dealt with bullies, sure, but his parents had never raised a hand at him or any of his sisters. To think about what Rafael’s childhood must have been like, to think about how many times Rafael had walked through the door of his own home, only to be welcomed by a beating he didn’t deserve… it’s not something Sonny can dwell on for very long.

“When my mom called to tell me he died, she was in hysterics. I didn’t know what to feel. It made me angry to think I loved him, after everything. Nobody else ever knew. Nobody else ever did anything, anyway. I think about that more than I want to admit.”

Sonny sighs, brushing his lips against Rafael’s temple. “If I could, I would kiss away all of your scars. I wish I could have known you then. I wish I could have taken you away from him myself.”

Rafael’s smile is faint but genuine. “That you’re here now is enough. That I trust you enough to tell you any of this is enough.” He bites down on his lip, blinking up at the ceiling. Sonny can see tears reflecting under the dim light of the room. It damn near breaks his heart. “Those kids, someone was looking out for them. Someone believed them and then the system failed them.”

Everyone had failed Rafael. There’s one very important distinction to make now, though. Now he has Sonny.

“We just have to keep fighting,” Sonny says. “We keep trying to do right by the victims because our best is what they deserve and Rafael, you did your best. You always do.”

Rafael lifts hand to cup Sonny’s cheek, chuckling affectionately. “You take care of me. I don’t know if I tell you how much I appreciate that enough.”

“You don’t,” Sonny confirms, earning an incredulous scoff that only makes him grin. “Don’t worry, babe, that just makes the times you do say it that much more special.”

With a roll of his eyes, Rafael gives Sonny a playful push toward the bed. “Let’s forget the leftovers for a little while, okay? Just lie with me. Hold me. Is that okay?”

Sonny nudges the tip of Rafael’s nose with his own. “Of course it is, for as long as you want. There’s nothing else in the world I’d rather do.”


	11. you can be my best friend, i can be your right arm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “I think I might be falling in love with you.”

He’d said it on this exact day, in this exact place two years ago.

“I think I might be falling in love with you.”

Rafael remembers freezing. He remembers feeling like he’d been kicked in the chest, like maybe his heart had stopped beating for just a solid second, like the earth could swallow him while on that very moment but it would be okay because Sonny had said _that_.

“I think I might be falling in love with you.”

Has it really only been two years? On the other hand, has it already been two years? Time has flown and stopped. There have been days over the course of their relationship when Rafael has considered ending this entirely because to be with Sonny means the possibility of losing Sonny and with a history like his, it’s always seemed like more of a _probability_ than anything else.

And yet, here he is, here they are, right back where they’d started on a Saturday afternoon in Williamsburg. They try to make it to Smorgasburg every few months or so, on those rare weekends when neither of them have anything especially pressing to do. It’s taken them five months to get back this time around, though it’s just as busy as it’s always been. Still, having to navigate their way through the crowd and spend an inordinate amount of time in line just to get a ramen burger always turns out to be worth it once they find a place to sit on the shore of the East River.

It’s not soothing or romantic, exactly, not really. There’s hundreds of people around them, some tourists and others long-suffering natives, but Rafael figures there’s no better place to do what he wants to do today. It’d been like this when Sonny had said those words to him, too. Everything comes full circle.

“I think I might be falling in love with you.”

The memory keeps replaying in his mind, it draws a soft chuckle out of him, and he shakes his head when Sonny glances at him with plain curiosity.

“Nothing,” he says, though technically Sonny hadn’t asked. “Well, not nothing. Just thinking about the first time we came here together.”

Sonny hums, dimpled deepening with a pleased smile. “I never told you how freaked out I was, did I?” He laughs when Rafael’s eyes widen in surprise. “I knew I wanted to say it, I just didn’t know how you’d react.”

“I think I reacted pretty well.”

“You did, you did. Thing is, I was already in love with you, I’d been in love with you a long time by then.”

Truthfully, that doesn’t shock Rafael in the slightest. Their “casual” relationship hadn’t stayed casual for very long before they’d started going on what Rafael supposed could be called real dates, before they’d both admitted to their unspoken exclusivity and decided to take the next step. Until today, that had been the best decision of his life.

Clearing his throat, Rafael shifts his body to better face Sonny, suddenly finding his mouth very dry. “Listen, I wanted to— to ask you something.”

If Sonny can see through to his nerves, he doesn’t show it. His expression grows more serious instead, one hand reaching for Rafael’s so their fingers can entwine. “Yeah? What is it?”

Fixed with Sonny’s full attention, Rafael suddenly finds his brain void of all rational thought.

Maybe this is a bad idea. No, of course it is, who’s he kidding? Right here, in front of all these people, this is the half-cocked plan Rafael had concocted that would lead to an enormous change in both their lives? This is why he should leave this kind of thing to Sonny but then again, it’s been two years, and Sonny hasn’t done it yet so if Rafael wants to get things done, he’d concluded he’d have to do it himself.

But what if the fact that Sonny hasn’t done it yet means he doesn’t want to do it at all?

“Raf?” Sonny ducks his head to force Rafael to meet his eyes again. Rafael hadn’t even realized he’d looked away. “You can ask me anything, sweetheart. You know that, right?”

All at once, it seems to be enough. Rafael smiles, leaning in to press a quick, affectionate kiss to Sonny’s lips, then takes a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking about a few things for a long time now. Us, specifically.”

Sonny blinks, tensing. He needn’t worry. “Okay. Go on.”

“Well, one of the things I thought about was how much I do love you.” That helps Sonny relax, his shoulders relaxing a bit. “It’s been two years since you told me you were falling in love with me but I want another two years with you. And another two, and another two. Sonny, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. If there’s anything I’m sure about, it’s that.”

He start to reach into his jacket pocket with his free hand but then Sonny’s pulling back and he’s certain his entire stomach is about to jump right out of his throat.

“Wait. Rafael.” Sonny shakes his head quickly, holding up a hand. “Are you doing what I think you’re about to do?”

Rafael scowls. “Maybe not anymore. You’re not exactly coming off as receptive right now.”

It’d been a stupid plan, he should’ve known better, and he’s about to say as much when Sonny reaches into his own pocket to produce a small, velvet box.

Rafael freezes, the same way he had two years ago, but it’s so different this time. He stares slack-jawed at the box before pulling out his own, holding it out in his palm so they can compare the two. This doesn’t seem real, it doesn’t seem like it possibly could be, but then Rafael hears clapping and it takes him a full thirty seconds to realize it’s for them.

A burst of laughter escapes him as he startles back to reality, to the enormous grin on Sonny’s face, to the fast beating of his heart his chest.

He hasn’t even asked the damn question yet.

His voice trembles when he does, but it’s a good thing. It’s an amazing thing. It’s the best decision of his life. “Sonny, will you marry me?”

“Only if you marry me,” Sonny answers. He wastes no time in meeting Rafael’s lips for another kiss, the two boxes still held between them, clutched now to their chests.

Once they part, Rafael laughs again, turning his head to his shoulder to wipe away fallen tears. “I think that can be arranged.”

“So you’re saying it’s a yes?” Sonny teases as he flips open the lid of his box.

Rafael only nods as he does the same, his eyes focusing on the titanium band nestled within a pillow of silk. “It’s a yes. A million times yes.”


	12. if i only could i'd make a deal with god and i'd get him to swap our places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “Walk it off.”

Rafael sits in his office chair in complete silence, his eyes focused on nothing while his mind works a mile a minute, tuning out the voices shouting over each other around him.

It’s not a big deal. It’s not. He’s dealt with this kind of thing before and it’s no different than the last time.

“How can you be this calm?”

Sonny. The words bounce off the walls, echoing in Rafael’s ears, even though the words are directed at someone else.

“Carisi.”

A warning from Liv. Her tone makes Rafael close his eyes, fingers lifting to his temples to ward off his impending migraine. He needs a refill on his drawer supply, he’d forgotten all about it because his head hasn’t pounded this badly since the last time he’d had to have this conversation. Maybe he should call Carmen in, ask her to do it. No, he scolds himself, it’s not her job to play pharmacist for him when he’s perfectly capable of doing it on his own.

“ _This_ can’t happen! Not again.”

Sonny’s voice is thundering now, it startles Rafael into nearly jumping out of his chair, and only then do the arguing pair in front of him seem to remember he’s actually still in the room.

Liv studies him for a moment before turning back to Sonny. “Okay. I think you should take a walk.”

Sonny’s brows lift practically to his hairline and he scoffs. “‘Scuse me? All due respect, Lieu, but there’s no way I’m leaving him right now.”

“Walk it off, Sonny.”

Rafael is surprised by how soft his own voice sounds. He’d meant for it to come off as a little bit more commanding, even just the slightest bit more reassuring, but even to his own ears, he just sounds… defeated.

“Rafael, I can’t— You know I can’t do that, are you kidding me?”

“Just around the block,” Rafael says, meeting Sonny’s worried eyes. He’s not sure what his boyfriend will find reflected in his own. Exhaustion? Fear? Frustration? Knowing how easily Sonny sees through him, the answer probably involves some form of all of the above. “I could use a coffee, the one from that cart I like. I’m feeling a little light-headed, too, maybe you could find me something to eat?”

Being given that particular task seems to be enough to convince Sonny that leaving the office is a good idea, to Rafael’s relief. He spares a quick glance at his boss before crossing behind the desk and bending down to press lingering kiss to Rafael’s forehead.

“I won’t be long,” Sonny promises, covering Rafael’s hand and squeezing lightly. He brushes past Liv without another word, Rafael knows he’s sore at the fact that she gets to say, but he also knows Liv won’t take it personally. She proves him right once the door is shut behind Sonny and she gives Rafael a skeptical look.

“Lightheaded, huh?”

Rafael shrugs, though he does feel mildly guilty. “He wouldn’t have left otherwise. He’s too worked up, he needed the air.”

“What about you? What do you need?”

Shaking his head, Rafael groans, leaning back in his chair. “God, I don’t know. I really don’t. I don’t tell him about every single threat that comes through, you know, most of them are a load of crap. Angry family members letting off steam in a not so pleasant way, that’s all. Having a gun actually pulled on me outside the courthouse, that’s a new one.”

Her name was Joanna Aspen and he’d just put her husband away for the sexual assault of two of his students. It happens that way sometimes, this isn’t the first he’s had to face a betrayed spouse after a verdict, but it’s definitely the first time he’d had to face down the barrel of one’s Glock. He hopes it’ll be the last but then again, who the hell ever knows?

“She’s locked up, Rafael,” Liv says, tilting her head at him, as if she can read the thoughts running through his mind. “She can’t hurt you. We won’t let her, we won’t let anyone.”

“Yeah.” He appreciates her efforts to comfort him, he really does; but the truth is, Rafael can only find himself waiting for one source of reassurance and he’d sent that source waltzing out the door a few minutes ago. A sudden wave of panic rushes through him the. What if Liv’s wrong, what if Joanna Aspen is out on some technicality after all, what if she’s on her way back and Sonny gets caught in the crossfire, what if—

“He’ll be back soon.” Rafael finds Liv’s eyes and he blinks at her, not quite comprehending. “Carisi. He probably sprinted to that coffee cart faster than he’s ever gone after a perp. When he gets back, I’ll head back to the precinct, he can have the rest of the day off.” She pauses, narrowing her eyes. “Please tell me you’re taking the rest of the day, too.”

He hasn’t planned to, mostly because he’s been fooling himself into thinking he’s fine, but his hands are trembling in his lap so it seems like as good a sign as any that heading home is the best thing to do.

It’s another ten minutes of talking security measures (Rafael declines, it’s an isolated incident, he’ll be just fine) and distraction tactics (yes, they absolutely have been roped into joining Bella and Tommy and their daughter for trick-or-treating and yes, against Rafael’s will, they’ll also be wearing costumes) before Sonny overzealously bursts back into the room. He balances three cups of coffee in a carrier in one hand and a paper bag in the other, sheepishly offering one of the beverages to Liv as she stands to head out.

“Thanks,” she says, smiling wryly down at the peace offering. “I told Rafael he gets to keep you for the day. I’ll see you both tomorrow. Try not to worry too much, we’ve got it handled.”

Sonny only nods, waiting until Liv is gone before he drops the other two coffees and the paper bag on the desk and shifts his full attention to Rafael.

“I couldn’t decide between getting you a danish or one of those blueberry scone things you like so I just got you both.”

“That’s perfect. Now we can both have something.”

Silence falls between them. Rafael can see Sonny holding back, can see that there are words on the tip of Sonny’s tongue just waiting to be released. It brings a ghost of a smile to his lips. He rises from his chair so he can come face-to-face with his boyfriend, letting Sonny rest his hands on his hips, letting Sonny act as the anchor he’s been for so long.

Rafael bites down on his lip before finally heaving a sigh, his shoulders dropping as he collapses against Sonny’s chest. Sonny doesn’t seem caught off guard by it at all, just wraps his arms around Rafael and holds him closer, burying his nose in Rafael’s hair.

“You’re safe,” Sonny says. “You’re safe with me.”

Rafael nods. He understands. He agrees. “I know. I always am.”


	13. in the darkest night hour, i’ll search through the crowd, your face is all that i see, i'll give you everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “Forget the douche. He’s a dick. He’s a dickdouche.”

He’s pretty.

That’s the only way Rafael can think to describe him.

Dark hair gelled into a perfectly style coif, intense blue eyes, chiseled jaw, strong shoulders. Yeah, he’s very pretty and also very close to one Sonny Carisi, Rafael can see that from across the room, and he’s never felt so tense even after several glasses of scotch.

“Barba, you’re up.”

Rafael turns at the sound of his name, barely processing what’s been said to him until Fin is handing him a set of darts bent out of shape from years of wear, and he grunts an acknowledgment before stepping up to the boundary line in front of the dartboard.

He can’t even remember why he’d agreed to play, that had been a few drinks ago and after the encouragement of Sonny and the rest of the squad. Usually, he watches from the sidelines, clapping politely when he remembers to and beaming with pride every time Sonny hits the dartboard in a good place. Tonight, they’re celebrating the win of a particularly difficult case. Tonight, he’d thought maybe it would be nice to act a little more relaxed.

His first dart misses the board entirely. Rafael regrets this decision with every fiber of his being.

Glancing over his shoulder, he first catches sight of Liv, who’s studying him with a quizzical expression while Fin and Amanda double over in hysterics over his awful throw. Over Liv’s shoulder, Rafael can see the pretty boy leaning in even closer to Sonny than he’d been thirty seconds ago and it makes his blood boil.

Liv follows his gaze then immediately looks back at him, her face suddenly washing over with understanding. It’s humiliating. “Barba, you good?”

Rafael nods curtly, returning his attention to the dartboard then sending another dart flying. This one hits the board, at least, but the throw is hard enough to make it ricochet right back down to the floor. He feels his cheeks turn red but it has nothing to do with the new chorus of laughter behind him and everything to do with the fact that Sonny should have been back with their drinks by now. How long does it take to pour a pint and Macallan? It’s not even that busy tonight.

Okay, Rafael concedes, it’s actually very busy but that’s hardly the point.

“Don’t worry, Counselor,” Amanda calls over the loud chatter of the rest of the bar, “you can’t win ‘em all, no shame in that!”

Pursing his lips, Rafael takes a deep breath through his nose then cracks his neck, shifting his feet to find a better stance. He squints at the dartboard, setting up his throw, and he releases the dart with a perfect flick of his wrist. It hits the center of the board, earning him a bullseye, and a satisfied smile tugs up at the corners of his mouth as he spins on his heels to find two dumbstruck detectives and a smirking lieutenant.

“Be back in a minute,” Rafael says coolly, strutting past the trio and making his way through the crowd to get to where his boyfriend is at the bar.

It makes his hands curl into fists to see Pretty Boy’s hand resting on the small of Sonny’s back. He isn’t sure whether he’s more angry or hurt at the sight of it, at seeing that Sonny doesn’t look uncomfortable or ready to pull away. In fact, Sonny’s laughing at something Pretty Boy’s just murmured in his ear, and Rafael thinks he can feel his heart skip in his chest.

He slips into the space beside Sonny’s barstool, forcing a friendly smile. “Hey.”

Sonny glances over at him, briefly looking annoyed before breaking out into a happy grin. “Hey, you.”

“Having fun over here?” Rafael asks pointedly. Sonny tilts his head, sensing Rafael’s sudden shift in mood, but doesn’t get a chance to answer.

“Excuse me,” Pretty Boy cuts in, “but we were actually in the middle of a conversation.”

Sonny’s still watching Rafael but then his eyes widen, almost comically, as if he’s just had and major epiphany. “Oh! No. I mean— no, no.” He glances desperately between his boyfriend and bar mate, mouth hanging open likes he’s searching for words but coming up very much empty.

Pretty Boy leans further into Sonny’s space, their cheeks practically brushing as he nods vaguely at Rafael. “I can get rid of him if you want. It would be my pleasure, we could move somewhere quieter.”

“Oh, god.” Sonny leaps up from his stool, shrugging away from Pretty Boy’s touch so he can wrap an arm around Rafael’s waist. “Sorry, man, huge misunderstanding.”

Pretty Boy blinks. Rafael can’t help but feel pettily victorious at his obvious confusion.

“I’m his boyfriend,” Rafael tells him, speaking slowly and emphasizing each word. He edges closer to Sonny, nudging his nose against the curve of Sonny’s jaw then giving Pretty Boy a challenging, sidelong glance. “Time to move on.”

Pretty Boy scoffs, swallowing down the last of his beer before aggressively setting his glass back down on the bartop. “Your boyfriend’s a tease,” he practically spits, glaring at Rafael. “Good luck with that, asshole.” He throws a few bills down beside the empty glass then storms off, leaving behind a speechless Sonny and sufficiently agitated Rafael.

It’s Sonny who manages to collect himself first. He takes Rafael by the shoulders, urging his boyfriend to meet his eyes with a look of contrition. “Hey, don’t listen to him. He asked me what I did for a living, I told him. Then he asked if he could buy me a drink and I said no. That’s it, babe, I swear. Forget the douche. He’s a dick. He’s a dickdouche.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, the ever eloquent Dominick Carisi, Junior.”

“Seriously, Raf. I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about what it might look like to you, that’s how much I wasn’t paying attention to what the guy was going for.”

Rafael lowers his eyes but nods, glancing over at the bartender who’s just set their drinks down on the bar. He looks back up at Sonny with a sigh. “I believe you. I’m past it. This is me, moving past it. Come watch me annihilate your coworkers at darts?”

“So you didn’t end up telling them you’ve won actual bar tournaments before?” Sonny laughs when Rafael smirks mischievously and shakes his head. “That’s why I love you.”

“Really? That’s why?”

Sonny lifts a brow. He cups Rafael’s cheeks in his hands and leans down for a kiss, letting his lips linger as a soft moan escapes him. “Maybe for a few other things, too.”

“Mmhmm.” Rafael peels one of Sonny’s hands from his cheek so he can lace their fingers together, nodding toward the squad. “You don’t have to kiss my ass just because you flirted with the pretty boy.”

Sonny’s sputters at that, nearly dropping his beer as quickly as he’d picked it up. “I wasn’t— I didn’t—”

Rafael smirks as he takes a sip of his scotch, tugging Sonny along beside him as they head back toward the squad. “Don’t worry. I’m already thinking up all the ways you can make it up to me when we get home.”


	14. there's no comfort in the waiting room, just nervous paces bracing for bad news

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “Please! Leave me alone!"

The waiting is always the hardest part.

That’s what Sonny’s always told when he’s at the hospital for someone he cares about, anyway. This is different, he knows that, this isn’t exactly life or death, at least not if the nurses he’s talked to can be believed. Still, there’s always the risk of complications and it’s not like Rafael is in for a basic physical. He’s lying in an operating room somewhere on another floor, dead to the world while the doctors have him cut open on a table.

Dead to the world. Sonny winces at his own choice of phrase. That’s the last thing he needs to be thinking when he can’t stop fidgeting, standing up to pace, picking up and putting down months old magazines that don’t hold his interest. He’s already earned a glare from the woman sitting at the opposite end of the room, and he’d almost said something to defend his restlessness until he’d remembered that she’s here for someone, too.

The waiting is the hardest part.

Sonny checks his watch when he sees the doctor approaching. It’s only been an hour. It’d felt like so much longer.

Rafael is fine, he’s told, they’d had to remove his appendix, waiting much longer might have resulted in it bursting. Sonny can see him now, the anesthesia still has him out but he should be waking up soon. Good news, all of it, so Sonny isn’t sure why he’s still feeling slick with cold sweat.

There’s just something about seeing Rafael so fragile. It’ll be a long time before he can get the image of his boyfriend curled up on the floor, gasping for air through his pain, unable to verbalize anything about why he’d just collapsed so suddenly. If Sonny had done anything right, it’s only because he’d been on autopilot, but he’d known things were bad when Rafael hadn’t refused to be taken to the hospital.

It’ll take even longer to get rid of the image of Rafael lying in bed, pale and hooked up to an IV with heavy bags under his eyes and a thin sheet draped loosely over his waist. Underneath that gown, Sonny thinks, there’s a part of Rafael’s body that’s been sliced open, and that makes his stomach drop. There’s going to be a scar. Rafael isn’t going to be happy.

Another hour passes before Rafael stirs. Sonny has texted Liv and Carmen and Bella so far but nobody else. His finger had hovered over Lucia’s name in his Contacts list but he hadn’t been able to find the guts to call her. He’ll catch hell from her for that later but he lets himself be selfish for now. He knows Rafael won’t blame him for that.

He inches forward to the edge of his seat when Rafael starts to shift beneath his sheets, murmuring words of encouragement as Rafael’s eyes blearily blink open until he’s adjusted to his surroundings.

Glancing down at the length of his body, Rafael groans. “Oh, god.”

Sonny rests his hand on Rafael’s thigh. “You know,” he says, trying to keep his tone light, “there are easier ways of getting out of going to Sunday mass with me than letting your appendix burst right before we leave. Hi.”

“It didn’t burst,” Rafael corrects, already falling into counterargument mode, “we caught it before it did. Hi.”

“You literally just woke up, how could you possibly know that?”

“Because I know you. You have a terrible poker face.”

“Yeah, well, you doubled over in the bedroom and scared the crap out of me, can you see that on my face?”

Rafael, at least, has the decency to look mildly guilty. “About that.”

“How long have you been ignoring the pain? Few days? Weeks?”

“Please!” Rafael turns his head away, waving his hand pitifully as he muffles his words against his pillow. “Leave me alone! Doctor, nurse, anyone, save me from the lecture.”

Sonny rolls his eyes at the theatrics, even though Rafael can’t see it, and leans his elbows against the edge of the bed so he can lean in to press a kiss against his boyfriend’s shoulder. “I’ll at least wait until we can get you out of here before I start. Can’t promise the same amount your ma, though. Pretty sure she’s going to kick your ass once we tell her.”

“Don’t you dare,” Rafael says, whipping his head back around to glare at Sonny. There’s a wild, challenging look in his eyes, a desperation that draws a laugh out of Sonny, and it feels good. It’s strange to think it, but it does feel good to laugh, especially after hours of worrying.

Sonny laughs again but this time, it’s void of any real amusement, and he scrubs a hand over his face. “ _God_.” His voice is rough, gravelly, it surprises even him and makes Rafael’s expression soften.

“Hey,” Rafael says, “hey, I’m right here. I’m okay. See? Still in one piece.” He pauses, narrowing his eyes. “Well, I’m missing part of the piece now but that’s beside the point.”

“They must have you hopped up on the good stuff, you’re making some pretty horrible jokes.”

“I just hate seeing that look on your face.”

“What look?”

“You know,” Rafael says, “ _that look_. Like if you turn away from me for even a second, I might disappear.”

They sit in silence for a moment, watching each other, studying well-learned features and each of them searching for much needed comfort from the other. They always find it, always. Neither of them have ever been left wanting for that. It’d been a little terrifying for Rafael to realize that at first, to recognize that he’d handed his heart over so freely to a man who wears his own heart on his sleeve; but in moments like this, Rafael can’t imagine returning to the alternative. He can’t imagine a life without Sonny.

“When do you get to take me home?” Rafael asks, breaking the silence.

Sonny offers a tight smile, taking Rafael’s hand and rubbing small, reassuring circles over his skin. He eyes the hospital ID bracelet on Rafael’s wrist and the IV needle stuck in Rafael’s arm, swallowing hard. There were no complications, the doctor had told him, Rafael is going to be perfectly fine. He has to keep reminding himself of that. “They said a day or two, depending on how you heal up.”

“But—”

“You’re not fine,” Sonny interrupts, chuckling softly at the way Rafael pouts. “You just had surgery, sweetheart, you need rest and they need to make sure the incision doesn’t get infected or anything like that.”

“So what happens when visiting hours are over? Because believe it or not, I didn’t think to grab my iPad before we left for the hospital.” Rafael’s expression stays neutral but Sonny can hear the slight waver in his voice, the nerves he must have at the thought of being left alone.

“I pulled some strings while you were in surgery,” Sonny tells him, brushing a strand of fallen hair from Rafael’s forehead. “I know plenty of the nurses from cases, they’re going to let me stay with you.”

Rafael still looks unsure. “You’re going to do that?” He lifts his chin. “I’m not sharing my bed.”

Sonny laughs outright at that, bringing Rafael’s knuckles to his lips. “I’ll find a way to survive. Besides, you might end up pissing off the entire staff if I’m not here to supervise.”

“Okay, that’s it, get out.” Even as he says it, Rafael tightens his grip on Sonny’s hand.

“Not a chance, Raf.” It’s not just a reassurance. It’s a promise. “You’re stuck with me.”


End file.
